Well.... I should be 6 mos pregnant today and it hurts really bad that I'm not. I have been in a serious funk lately and I wish I could get out of it. Spen and I have decided to stop trying to conceive and just see what happens. It feels good to not have the pressure but it hurts so bad that I am not preparing for our arrival. I never thought it would be this hard trying to have a baby. Our other two happened so easily. It has almost been a year since we started trying and it doesn't feel real. I'm starting to think that is it not supposed to happen. I do have two amazing kids already and I do feel blessed to have them. They light up my soul every day. I just wish I could give them a little brother or sister. They want it so bad. It hurts when they ask about our angel baby and when they will come back from heaven. I tell them that their uncle is taking care of the baby in heaven. They never had the opportunity to meet their uncle and neither did I. It does help to know that our angel has someone amazing to take care of them until we can. I just wish I felt more at peace with the whole situation.

Our story of loss..

I have my second u/s scheduled for tomorrow. The fear has brought up the memories and emotions of my journey with my angel baby...... Last Oct, when I was 7.5 weeks pregnant with my angel baby we had our first u/s. We were so excited and almost brought the kids to see their baby sister/brother. While my midwife, Nancy, was searching for baby I was teasing about the giant cyst that must be on my L ovary and that it was probably the first thing she could see because it was causing me so much pain. Litlle did I know she was fiocused on hunting for a heartbeat. One could not be found. After a few minutes of Nancy not saying a word I looked over at Spencer with fear in my eyes. Nancy quietly stated that she could not see the baby but that it might be too ealry. She explained to us was a blighted ovum was and said she was going to schedule a level 2 u/s at the hospital. I never thought for a second, that anything would go wrong. We were so excited to add to our family and give our other kids a sibling. I drank the required amount of water and headed over for the u/s. Same story....No baby. I bawled uncontrollably after the u/s tech left the room. I couldn't think straight, all I could do was sob on Spencer's shoulder. This went on for what seemed like forever. Finally, I knew I had to pick myself up and get to the car. My clothes were in a locker in the other room. Spencer went and got them for me and I changed in the u/s room and snuck out as fast as possible. At that very moment my whole world was forever changed. Nancy later called and still said that it could just be too ealry and to watch for signs of m/c. I told her that I was not ready to give up knowing that I did have a slim chance of it in fact being too early. We scheduled another u/s for a week later. No baby, and a week afetr that, no baby. Finally at 9 weeks we decided that it was over. Even though my beta numbers were rising at a normal rate, I still had an empty womb. Those were the hardest weeks I have ever endured. Pregnancy symptoms were full force and I was loosing hope that we would find a baby. After the nine week mark of no signs of a natural m/c I had a decision to make. I had to decide on if we were going to end this pregnancy and how. It was a decision that no mother should have to make. Even though we were positive at this point that we had a blighted ovem I still found it near impossible to make this decision. Why did I have to make the desicion? Why couldn't God make it for me? At 9.4 weeks I decided that I would take the cytotec. If not familiar, cyctotec ripens the cervix and causes it to dilate. It is often used to induce labor. I was also prescribed phenergan and lorotab. I inserted the two tablets of cytotec (near the cervix) just after putting the kids to bed. Nancy had told me to take the phenergan and lorotab with the cytotec, but as stubborn as I am I skipped the lorotab. A few hours later I started having contractions. They hurt like I had never felt before. I was curled up on my bed moaning and crying. It was horrible. I finally gave in and took a pain killer, two actually. The worst part was that I had gotten behind on the pain and playing catch up is very difficult. Somewhere in the middle of the night I used the restroom with only a few clots, and menstrual like bleeding. After that I finally fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and called Nancy. I didn't pass enough so I had to do it all over again that night. My dad took my kids because I was afraid that they could hear me in pain. At about 5 that night I took the cyctotec, phenergen, and lorotab. The contractions began hours later and I was curled up and moaning on my bed once again, only to pass a few more clots. This night was worse than the last and I was still unable to pass the embryonic sac. A D&E (removal of uterine contents by dilation and suction, less invasive than a D&C) was scheduled for the following Monday, at 10weeks, with a doctor that I had never met. I did not want it to get to this point but it did. I was scared to be put to sleep, I was scared that maybe, just maybe I had a healthy pregnancy and that it was going to be ended, and it was my choice. I felt like I was aborting my baby. When the surgery was complete, the first thing I asked the doctor was if the sac was empty. He confirmed that I did have a blighted ovum. I felt relief that it was all over, but felt so empty inside. It was truly bittersweet. It was time for me to grieve and move foreword, but first, I had to tell the kids that our baby went to heaven....